Gaara, You're Purple
by TentenNTemari
Summary: When Gaara comes down with a bad case of appendicitis, Temari & Kankuro rush him to the hospital. Kankuro pretends to be a doctor but becomes distracted by the lady nurses. What else could go wrong in the Little Hospital of Horrors? Read to find out.


**A/N:**

**Tenten: Back on the keyboard for the first time in months!!**

**Temari: It's the dynamic duo come back from the doldrums of writer's block! (And homework.)**

**Tenten: (swirls around and takes out giant pitchfork) WHO SAID THE "H" WORD?!**

**Temari: (turns very teeny and hides) Meep!**

**Tenten: Oh. Well, then. (Throws pitchfork somewhere. An "OW!" noise is heard) Time to write!!**

**Temari: Buy your own pitchfork today – at "Pitchforks R Us"! (Batteries not included.)**

**Tenten: (scratches head)**

**Temari: Never mind. It's too complicated. Okay, then…. Shall we begin the story?**

**Tenten: If we must, Temari.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto, or a Midsummer Night's Dream. (Right now Temari's telling me about how I should capitalize words more often… where's that pitchfork I threw away…? Um, I mean… Love you, 'Tem.)**

**Temari: Whatever you say, "Tintin".**

**Tenten: !**

**Disclaimer (continued): But we DO own Raisin the Teddy Bear!**

**PAIRINGS: ShikamaruxTemari, KankuroxTenten**

* * *

"GAARA! YOU'RE PURPLE!" Temari exclaimed.

"Eew, he looks like a Smurf," said Kankuro.

"Kankuro," Temari whispered, "Smurfs are blue."

"Shaddup!"

Gaara's face was livid. "Guys! Now is not the time to argue! I think I'm having an anuerisym!! And I don't even know what that is!"

Temari rushed to her youngest brother's side and felt his forehead. "Oh, my gosh! You're _freezing_!"

"Really?" Kankuro put his hand on his brother's forehead and grinned. "Cool, I can put my drink on your head and it can _stay cold_! We'll never have to use ice cubes again!"

Gaara glared at him. "Try that and I'll -"

Suddenly, there was a sickening gurgling sound. Gaara doubled over and grimaced.

"Ack!" Kankuro ran for cover and hid behind Temari. "He's gonna blow!"

"You're so insensitive," Temari said, pushing Kankuro to the side. "We have to take him to the…"

The lights suddenly went out, making the room pitch black. Kankuro's face suddenly appeared as he held a flashlight under his chin. "_Doctor's office_!" he yelled.

Temari pulled the flashlight away and turned it off. "What's with the flashlight?"

"Just, um…" Kankuro began to think that he really was being insensitive. "Sorry." He flicked the lights back on.

There was a loud moan from the floor. Gaara looked up at his siblings with pleading eyes. "Forget the doctor's office…" he panted. "Take me to the ER!"

Temari's face grew serious. She quickly sprinted into an adjoining room of the house and returned with her giant fan.

Kankuro's eyes lit up. He clapped his hands together. "Oh, man! You mean we actually get to ride on your fan?!"

Temari shot him a withering look. "Just this once, and only because it's an emergency."

Kankuro punched the air with his fist. "Yes! _Finally_!"

* * *

**10 Minutes Later**

"You have a very bad case of appendicitis," the doctor declared, looking at Gaara's midsection with a magnifying glass.

Kankuro suddenly dashed out of the room.

"What kind of doctor are you?" Gaara exclaimed as he stared at the magnifying glass.

The doctor ignored this remark. "We have to operate immediately," he told Temari and Kankuro. "That thing has to go."

"What thing?" Gaara asked.

"Why, your appendix, of course," the doctor said.

Gaara nearly fainted. "You're insane! You can't take my appendix – I need that!"

"Actually, you don't." The doctor smiled and snapped on a pair of white surgical gloves. "Humans can survive perfectly well without their appendices. You don't need it at all."

"Maybe _you_ don't!" Gaara cried. "But I need mine!"

"Young man," the doctor smiled condescendingly and picked up what looked like a pair of very large tweezers, "I've been practicing medicine for 35 years. I think I know what I'm doing. Now hold still…"

"No!" Gaara screamed. "I'd rather _die_!"

"Now, now, don't be foolish. You're obviously not thinking straight."

"Aren't you even going to anesthetize me first?" Gaara gasped.

"Oh, right."

"Excuse me." Gaara looked up (he was lying on the operating table) and realized there was an oddly dressed doctor behind him. The doctor's mouth was covered with a surgical mask and his hair was hidden by a pink nurse cap. "I'll take it from here, doctor."

"Um…" The first doctor cocked an eyebrow. "_Who_ are you? I know every doctor in this hospital, and I've never seen you before."

"I'm new," the new doctor said, "_Really_ new. Anyway, my specialty is appendixes, or appendices, or whatever. So I'll take the patient, and I'll see ya later, Doc!" Before Temari could protest, the new doctor wheeled Gaara out of the room and down the hallway. He jumped on the bottom rim of the gurney and enjoyed the ride. "Hey, this is fun!"

Gaara's eyes widened. "You're even worse than the other guy!"

"Chill out!" The new doctor pulled down his surgical mask, revealing a large nose and mouth. "It's me!"

"Kankuro!"

"To the rescue!" Kankuro grinned. "I'm here to save you, and your appendix. I'm taking you to Lady Hokage in Konoha so she can just zap it better! You'll feel better in—"

The gurney suddenly came to a halt as Kankuro looked down the corridor. There was a cluster of female nurses ahead. "Hey, you must be new," a blonde one said to him.

"He's cute," Kankuro heard one of them whisper.

Kankuro gulped. He grinned and pushed Gaara's gurney aside. The stretcher hit the wall with a thud, knocking Gaara onto the floor, unconscious. "Thanks!" Kankuro said. "So are you!"

The nurses didn't seem to notice the incapacitated patient on the floor. "Would you like to get a coffee?" one of the nurses asked, linking her arm with his.

"Absolutely," Kankuro said, winking. He was about to saunter off with the ladies when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gaara sprawled on the ground. "Oh. Oops. Let me just take care of my patient first, and then we'll hit the road on my _fan_."

One of the nurses ooh-ed. "You have a fan?"

"Sure do," Kankuro said, "It goes pretty fast. It's just like a magic carpet."

Several of the nurses swooned. Kankuro chuckled, knowing this was going to be a good day, and put Gaara on the stretcher again. He wheeled his brother into the nearest room and shut the door.

"Let's go!" Kankuro said. He and the nurses walked off together, laughing and giggling.

* * *

**Back at Konoha, at Lee's House**

"I will be Nick Bottom the Weaver!" Lee declared.

"Perfect!" Guy Sensei said with an ever-so-famous shiny grin. "It's the role you were born to play in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_!"

"Hey!" Naruto cried. "What about me?"

"You could be Lysander!" Lee said.

"Who's _he_?" Naruto whined.

"He is the one that Hermia falls in love with," Lee explained. "Neji was going to play Lysander, but both he and Tenten would not participate."

"Well, I can see why," Naruto groaned. "It's so confusing! Oh, wait!" His eyes lit up suddenly. "Can Sakura be Hermia?"

The door burst open suddenly. "Guys! Did you hear?" It was Sakura herself. "Gaara's in the hospital down in Suna! He's purple and he has an appendicitis!" She then turned to Naruto. "And no, Naruto, I won't play Hermia just because there's a kissing scene."

"THERE'S A KISSING SCENE?!" Naruto exclaimed excitedly.

Lee sighed and held up his beloved stuffed teddy bear. "Then I suppose Raisin will have to play Hermia as well as Titania."

Naruto wrinkled his nose. "Who's Titanica?"

"_Titania_," Lee corrected. "She is the Queen of the Fairies… But more importantly, Gaara needs our help!" Lee grabbed his donkey-head prop and put it on his own head. "Let us go to the train station! We shall rehearse on the way! Let us go get Tenten and Neji—we may need their assistance!"

"Good thinking, Lee," Guy said.

"Aw, if Sakura's not Hermia then I don't wanna be in this dumb play!" Naruto pouted. "I'm outta here!" He slouched out of the room.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "C'mon, guys. After we find Neji and Tenten, I'll walk you to the train station."

* * *

**Back at the Hospital**

Gaara's eyes snapped open. There was a mop to his left and cleaning supplies behind him. The odor of ammonia filled his nose. _Kankuro, you bumbling idiot_, Gaara thought, nostrils flaring, _I'm inside a janitor's closet._ He suddenly felt a throbbing on the left side of his skull. There was a disturbingly large lump there. _How did that happen?_

Suddenly the broom gave him a friendly smile. "Hey there, don't be a downer," the broom said, "My friends and I are here to cheer you up."

The feather duster winked at him. "Yeah, hot stuff," the lady cleaning supply said, "We've got a song for you."

The cleaning supplies filled the closet with off-key warbling:

"_Don't be glum,_

"_Don't be sad,_

"_Your friends are here_

"_To make you glad!"_

Gaara screamed. "HELP!" He reached for the doorknob but the broom hit his wrist.

"Leaving so soon?" it asked him in an evil spine-chilling hiss.

"AAAAHHH!" Gaara shrieked. Suddenly the cleaning supplies launched themselves at him in dog-pile formation. "No, please!" he pleaded. "I'm too young! I'm just a kid! I haven't reached 5'3" yet! And I'm so close!"

The supplies vanished and Gaara found himself clawing at hospital bed sheets. He froze, breathing deeply. _It was just a hallucination?_ Gaara's head swiveled from side to side. "Where'd the broom go?!" He realized he wasn't in a closet, but in an actual hospital room. He let out a sigh of relief.

Temari entered the room. "Everything alright, Gaara?"

Gaara let out a yelp. "What's wrong with your hair?!"

"Excuse me?!" Temari put her hands on her hips. Her hair was now blue, and stood up as tall as Marge Simpson's. Temari fluffed it with her hand. "Chouji did it for me, and I'm loving it!"

"You should get a refund for that hair!"

"_What_ hair?" In the blink of an eye, Temari's big blue bouffant vanished. She was completely bald!

"Uh… um…" Gaara was speechless. He pointed a trembling finger at his sister's shiny cranium.

"Oh, dear," Temari said. She looked up, realizing her baldness. "Can't have that, can we?" She snapped her fingers and smiled sweetly. A mop of red hair suddenly sprouted from her scalp. Gaara frowned.

"Hey," he protested. "That's _my_ hair!"

"Oops, boy hair!" She giggled. "Silly me!" She continued snapping until the right hairstyle appeared—which wasn't really a hairstyle at all; it was a giant hat covered in fruit! "That's better!" Maracas appeared in her hands. "Everybody conga!" A line of random men in grass hula skirts popped out of the air behind her. Music began playing, and everyone began dancing.

"NO! Make it stop!" Gaara covered his ears.

"Oh, my," Temari said. She clapped her hands once and the line disappeared.

"Have you taken your medication today?" Temari asked, taking a step towards him.

"N-no…"

"Well, then," Temari said, pulling out a bottle of bleach from behind her back, "It's time to purge your system!"

"What does _that_ mean?!" Gaara exclaimed.

The door burst open just then, and Shikamaru appeared. "What's all the hullabaloo, _Dear_?"

"DEAR?!" Gaara was severely freaked out now.

"Oh, didn't we tell you?" Temari asked. She put an arm around Shikamaru. "We're hitched!"

Gaara nearly fainted.

"Say hello to your new brother-in-law!" Temari said, pushing Shikamaru toward him.

"We already have a kid!" Shikamaru said happily, pulling out a blanket-wrapped bundle from behind his back. Gaara peered at the bundle as Shikamaru pulled back some of the blanket. Gaara screamed. "NARUTO!"

"That's right!" The baby-version of Naruto said in an impish voice. "I'm your new nephew!"

"I hate to interrupt this family reunion," Temari said, "But I absolutely must give Gaara his medicine now." With that, Temari sprinted forward and pushed Shikamaru out of the way. She held the bottle of bleach before her like a sacred potion. Before Gaara could protest, she shoved the bottle to his mouth and began dumping bleach down his throat.

…Or so he thought.

"What's the matter, Gaara?" Temari (who was back to normal) asked. "It's just liquid Tylenol; I brought it from home."

Gaara swallowed hard. "But you were Marge Simpson and the conga line disappeared and you were married to Shikamaru and Naruto was my nephew and-and- BLEACH!" Gaara covered his head with a hospital pillow. "And my side still hurts!"

"_And_ you're still purple," Temari added. She let out an angry huff of air. "We should've just gone to Lady Hogake in the first place; I don't like the doctors here!" Her eyes travelled to the lump on Gaara's head and she gasped. "Look at this! We bring you to a hospital and you get even _worse_!" She threw down the Tylenol bottle. "I'm going to have a word with the hospital administration!" She turned to heel to go but Gaara grabbed her arm.

"Don't leave me here alone!" he begged. "I'm having hallucinations and—"

"Oh, relax," Temari assured him, "The Tylenol will take care of it in a few minutes." She kissed Gaara's hand. "Don't worry."

"Eew," Gaara said, wiping his hand on the bedsheets. "Gross."

"Why are you wiping your hand?" Temari asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You just kissed me!"

"EEW! Why would I do _that_?" Temari said.

"Oh, no! It's happening again!" Gaara grabbed the pillow again and put it over his head, screaming into it. Temari left before things got any crazier.

* * *

**Back With Kankuro**

"Eeeeep!" the brunette nurse screamed into Kankuro's shoulder and clung to him tighter. "Not so fast!"

Kankuro grinned as he made Temari's fan go faster. _I'm a chick magnet_, he thought mischievously. _Okay, time to go down._ He brought the fan back to the open lot in front of the hospital. "Okay, who's next?" He looked around at the giggling nurses waiting their turn.

"Isn't that Temari's fan?" a familiar voice asked.

Kankuro went completely red in the face. He turned around slowly, and sure enough, the voice belonged to Tenten. "What're you doing with all these nurses?" she asked skeptically, crossing her arms.

A nurse scoffed. "Who's _she_?"

"Okay, fun's over! Um, see ya, girls! Nice, uh, hanging out!" Kankuro said quickly, ushering the nurses back towards the hospital doors. He rushed back to Tenten's side. "Tenten, I'm sorry!" he said. "I betrayed you, I left you, I was momentarily distracted by hot nurses, but you are so much more beautiful than all of them, and you're always first in my—!"

"Kankuro, slow down, I can't understand you!" Tenten exclaimed, putting her hands on his shoulders. Kankuro was silenced by her touch. His knees felt like jell-o. "And anyway, I'm not mad, if that's what you're thinking. I was just wondering what you were doing with Temari's fan."

Kankuro looked down at her with large, guilt-filled eyes. He spoke in a small voice. "I was… giving each of the girls a ride on the fan."

"Well," Tenten said, linking her arm with his, "You forgot one."

Kankuro's heart was ready to burst with joy. "S-Sure!" _Anything for you._

* * *

**Back With Gaara**

Gaara was finally starting to calm down. He lay very still on his back, staring at the ceiling and concentrating on breathing in a somewhat regular fashion. His heart rate had returned to normal, even though his appendix was still rather painful. As far as he could tell, he hadn't had another hallucination in say… ten minutes. Which was a very good sign.

Every once in awhile, Gaara would scan the room for possible anomalies. Much to his relief, no malignant cleaning supplies flung themselves at him, and no more visits were paid to him by frightening conga men.

"Finally," Gaara sighed, closing his eyes, "I can get some rest while I wait for a doctor."

The door slammed open. "Gaara!"

Gaara left his eyes shut. He recognized the voice as his very good friend, Rock Lee. "Lee… I'm resting. Come back when I have no appendix."

"Oh, Gaara!" Lee's voice continued, "Sakura told us that you were terribly ill, so I have come to cheer you up and tell you that you will feel better soon. Guy-Sensei, Neji and Tenten are here, as well. Oh, and Raisin and I made you a get-well card."

_Again with the teddy bear…_ Gaara thought. "Oh, thanks-- you shouldn't have." _Really._

Gaara sat up and opened his eyes. But he immediately regretted it; there, at his hospital doorway, was Rock Lee—with a donkey's head. He held Raisin the Teddy Bear, as Gaara had never seen him before. The little bear was dressed oddly in a fluffy pink fairy outfit – complete with wings.

"Oh, you have noticed our costumes for the play!" Lee said, observing Gaara's look of terror. "Guy-Sensei and I were wondering if you would play the part of Demetrius – you have the perfect disposition."

Normally, Gaara would wonder what Lee meant by that, but there was no time to be insulted. "Okay, hallucination-version-of-Lee," Gaara said, "GET OUT OF MY HOSPITAL ROOM!"

Lee was heartbroken. "But, did you not want to see the get-well card that Raisin and I made you? I taped a chocolate bar inside!"

Gaara roared with anger and threw the pillow at his friend. Lee successfully dodged it with style and grace. "Oh, I see," he said, "You are confused by my appearance." Lee reached for his donkey-head and began removing it.

Gaara didn't want to see his friend decapitated—even if he did have a donkey-head. He lunged desperately for the telephone on the bedside table, but could not reach and began to lose his balance. Grunting, he attempted to regain his position on the bed, but his center of balance had already been thrown out of whack. "AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!" He flopped to the floor like a fish.

Lee ran out of the room. "NURSE!"

* * *

**Three Hours Later**

Gaara's eyelids fluttered open and the world opened up around him like a curtain. Eight pairs of eyes were staring at him."W-What?" he said weakly. Suddenly he realized his side wasn't hurting anymore.

"Gaara, you're awake!" Temari exclaimed.

"How observant," Kankuro muttered. Tenten giggled and a silly grin appeared on Kankuro's face.

"My appendix—" Gaara began.

"It's out!" Guy-Sensei said.

"Here it is," the doctor said, holding up a jar that said "Peachberry Farms" on it. Floating in a substance that looked suspiciously like formaldehyde was…

"MY APPENDIX!" Gaara yelled, grabbing the jar.

"Would you like to keep it?" the nurse asked.

"No," Gaara said, handing it back. "It caused me so much grief… Wait, am I still purple?"

"Nope!" the doctor said.

"You're all better!" Tenten said. Neji said nothing.

"Even though you are well again," Lee said, "Would you still like my get-well card?"

"Sure," Gaara muttered, taking it from him.

The doctor turned to Temari. "Do you know anything he ate recently that might've caused his strange symptoms?"

"Well…" Temari said, tapping her chin, "Kankuro _did_ give him some grape yogurt yesterday…" Her eyes grew wide and she faced her brother, who was still dressed up as a doctor (complete with pink nurse's cap). "Kankuro," she started, her voice rising, "Did you check the expiration date on that yogurt?"

Kankuro, for once, did not speak.

Gaara's gaze snapped up from the card. His voice was low. "You mean… I had an appendix attack… and my face turned purple… and I had horrible hallucinations... _and_ I have _two_ bumps on my head… _because of YOU_?!"

"Now, now," Kankuro said, backing up, "Let's not get hasty; I _did_ try to save you… remember?"

Gaara lunged forward and shoved Lee's chocolate bar into his brother's face. Then he tackled him to the floor.

"Gaara!" Temari exclaimed. "Remember your stitches! You'll rip yourself open!"

Guy laughed. "Look at these kids, enjoying their youth…"

"That's not what I'd call it!" Kankuro's muffled voice floated up from the floor.

_**The End.**_

* * *

**A/N:**

**Both: It's Operation Hallucination! (clever... we tried fitting it into the summary but the word limit restricted our ART!)**

**Tenten: I love "Gaara, You're Purple!" I'm loving this! I'm loving this! I'm loving this!**

**Temari: You sound like a broken record of McDonald's (you know, because their slogan is "I'm lovin' it"). But I agree… I love it, too! **

**Tenten: It's summertime and I love the sun and no homework and we get to sleep in and "enjoy our youth", in the words of Guy-Sensei! I LOVE SUMMER!**

**Temari: That was definitely one of the most creative stories we've done together. Sorry I got sooooo hyper! I had too much chocolate pudding.**

**Tenten: As did I. (laughs manically and hits pumpkin in the head with a turtle) The randomness conquers all!**

**Temari: :-O That was weird.**

**PS. This is Raisin's third appearance! The stories he is also featured in include:**

_**If Guy-Sensei Was Hokage**_

_**What Did You Just Say?**_

**Please review!**


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